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| Spider by bunnygoth flickr creative commons |
The Harry Potter reference is obvious—giant spiders, death
and destruction, what more could anyone want in a fantasy, right? Ok, dragons,
magic, elves. It’s all good.
But the Christmas shopping, you may ask? How does that play
in? Yesterday I wore myself out scouring Joplin, MO for all the doodads and
fuzzies and sweets that my little minions think they need. My feet hurt, my
knees hurt, and the cheesecake squares I was munching on during the hour-long
drive home were just barely keeping me going. I mean, really. I was desperate
and sometime cheesecake alone is not enough. So I popped a couple Reese’s minis
in my mouth (not all at once—I’m not crazy).
And then it happened. In the corner of my windshield, what to
my wondering eyes did appear? Not a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer,
that’s for sure.
A huge, black, hairy spider with massive pincers and eight
beady eyes—all trained on me. The monster poked its evil head out of the
upholstery then darted out of sight.
At this point, sleepiness was no longer a problem for me. My
problem was figuring out how to drive, scream, and not choke on peanut butter
and cheesecake at the same time. I couldn’t pull over and track the ugly bugger
down, either. I was in the middle of Christmas-shopping traffic on the freeway,
for St. Nick’s sake!
My fingers tightened on the steering wheel until they went
numb. Whether it was a function of age, exhaustion, carpal tunnel, or
gut-wrenching fear isn’t important. The fact remains that when the spider
appeared again, it had the upper hand. It dropped down from a thick silken
thread and attacked.
I ducked and swerved and wove between astonished drivers as
the vicious arachnid dangled in front of my nose, swinging closer every second.
But my mad Ninja and Nascar skills saved me, at least for the moment and the fiend
retreated.
By this time, tinsel and chocolates, electronics and lip gloss
hung from every interior surface of my SUV, including me. I looked like the
remains of a Christmas tree explosion. I half expected my nemesis to come
crawling from its hole covered with glitter and flashing lights. But the spider
was too stealthy for that kind of trick. It skittered out and swung at me, its
pincers slashing as it lunged for the kill, trailing gauzy silk streamers
behind it, filling my windshield with its sticky, pugnacious garland.
Would this be my last moments? Would I die buried in Christmas
treasure, carols ringing in my ears?
No, not while there’s a speck of Christmas spirit still in
me (in other words, I didn’t do all that shopping for nothing)! Sugar surged
through my veins and I grabbed a handful of receipts and wrestled the monster
against the window, fighting for my life, freedom, and sugar plums while
visions of Christmas morning danced in my head. As a side note, those visions involved
happy, peaceful, children and lots of singing. They did not involve tantrums or
sugar highs.
Speaking of sugar highs, mine faded as soon as the hideous
beast crumpled into a squishy ball, oozing through my papers. I can only hope
the shops will take returns with soggy receipts. I wiped a stray hairy leg from
my cheek and surveyed my situation. Only halfway home and school’s almost out.
Time to hide the evidence…I mean, the presents. So I called in reinforcements.
Dad agreed to pick up the kids and I, Christmas-Shopping, Arachnid-Stopping Warrior
that I am, hustled home to hide the goods.
Oh, I can’t wait till next year. Maybe I’ll get to fight a
dragon.
What Christmas adventures have you faced this year?
